Expecting to Fly
First draft written with a vintage Olivetti Lettera 32 Typewriter
Watercolor with the same
title – artist: Toni Youngblood
Toni Youngblood – 30
April 2023
Title inspired by the Neil
Young and Buffalo Springfield song: “Expecting to Fly”
I pushed hard with my left
foot to try and release my right foot from the force holding it. My
left foot became stuck, too. Alternating a push with each foot, I
continued to try to get loose from the suction. Each foot sank
deeper into a substance that felt and looked like chocolate pudding.
The sun was on its way down and I was being sucked deeper, ankles,
knees, thighs, hips. It was liquefied soil, the most gelatinous mud
I had ever encountered, and now I was being pulled into it like
quicksand with every move I made.
One of my favorite places
to run in the late 1970's and early 1980's was up in the hills above
the Stanford University campus. At the summit is the “Dish”, a
radio telescope that is visible from areas around Palo Alto. From
the vantage point of the summit, you could sometimes see Felt Lake to
the west, if it had enough water in it, and the panorama of Menlo
Park, the Stanford Campus and Palo Alto. In winter and spring, the
hills became lush and green. Summer, they turned golden,
and this is what I think
of when California is called the “Golden State”. But for the
golden orange poppies which Early Spanish settlers called
“copa de oro,” or cup of gold, and the 1848 Gold
Rush, California eventually officially got its nickname. Most
precipitation occurs in winter between November and March. Summers
are dry. Fires are common in the dry summers and can easily begin
with lightning strikes or a spark from a car's catalytic converter as
the vehicle speeds along the freeway. Vegetation lost during the
fire season, often results in unstable soil during the rainy season.
Landslides ensue. Two-lane California Scenic Highway 1 has been
completely blocked by landslides several times over the years.
Today the Stanford “Dish”
area is a popular hiking trail. At the time I enjoyed running along
the rambling dirt road there, I seldom saw another person. Cows
grazed the grassy hills, often standing frozen in the middle of the
road as I approached them. They held their heads down in a menacing
pose, staring at me as I got closer, like a bull getting ready to
charge. It was intimidating at first to me, but I soon learned as I
got closer that they were more afraid of me. They would suddenly
jerk up their heads in an “ah ha”, gesture and amble off, giving
me the right of way. Other creatures I saw were White-tailed Kites,
hovering overhead as they surveyed the tall grass for small rodents.
I would see an occasional Great Horned Owl as daylight faded. Their
piercing yellow eyes followed me and their necks quickly turned through
seemingly impossible positions. While running in the area one early
evening, my college boyfriend, Nels who introduced me to this running
trail, discovered a dead Barn Owl in the crotch of a tree. He cut
off three wing feathers and gave them to me, as I have had a life-long
love of birds. He gave the carcass to Nathan Oliveira, an artist and
Professor of Studio Art at Stanford University, for whom Nels
occasionally stretched canvases. Among other subjects, Nate painted
birds of prey. While the sun was still hot in summer, I sometimes
saw small rattle snakes sunning themselves across the dirt road.
On
the early evening that I found myself stuck in the mud, I was running
in the hills near the radar dish and it was winter. On a typical
evening after work, I would park my car at the building by the golf
driving range on Links Road. I would get out of the car, put one
foot on the rear bumper and lean over, touching my head to my knee,
then repeat the stretch with the other leg. Ready to run, I jogged
westward on Links Road, crossing Junipero Serra Boulevard. On the
other side of Junipero Serra, Links Road came to a fork. On the
right side was the entrance to the Stanford Golf Course and Pro
shop. The fork in the road to the left was abruptly halted by an
imposing eight-foot tall chain-link gate. I would make my attack on
the gate by jumping at it as high as I could while grabbing onto the
chain link with my hands and positioning my feet in it for the lift
off. Up over the gate I would throw myself and drop down the other
side. Once on land again, I started off running up the winding road
surrounded by old trees and natural landscape. I would pass by an
unassuming building that housed the National Bureau of
Economic Research. On the opposite side of the road, nestled in a
curve was the Center For the Advanced Study in the Behavioral
Sciences, along with a small caretaker's cottage. At the top of the
dead-end road was a four-foot-high fence with a rudimentary ladder
going over it. I hopped up the ladder and down the other side where
the landscape opened onto a field of tall grass, a few old oak trees
here and there. As I knew there were rattlesnakes in the area, I
usually sprinted through the tall grass until I reached the open dirt
road.
Past the dish, the road
ran straight for awhile and then made a series of gentle curves
rolling up and down in elevation. Towards the end of my route the
road took a sharp hairpin turn and began a steeper drop down hill.
Shortly after the turn is where my story begins.
A couple of days before
when I ran the route, I noticed a sort of muddy spot in the road,
nothing big. Today, I thought nothing more of it as I ran around a
barricade set up with a “ROAD CLOSED” sign on it, though those items had
not been there on my previous run. “Oh, that's just to let folks
that don't come up here often know about the muddy spot”, I thought
to myself.
I continued on the trail
as I had always done and quickly realized the mud was thicker than it
was the last time I ran. By then my right foot was stuck. It was
winter and there had been rain. The uphill side of the bank had
apparently become saturated by rain water and slid down over the
road. It's surprising how unnoticeable it was to the eye. But it
was now wetter and thicker. So here I was on a hilltop about three
miles out, surrounded by pastures where the only living creatures
were cows, birds, rodents and snakes. As I sank deeper into the
muck, up to my waist now, I thought “There could be cows submerged
below me in this stuff! Perhaps a small maintenance vehicle driving
along the trail a day before, had disappeared into this mess!”
Suddenly, I felt panic at visualizing what could be my fate. I tried
to gain leverage to crawl out. There was nothing solid around me to
grasp. I couldn't move my lower body, as the viscous mess held onto
me from the waist down. I tried again while at the same time
reaching with my arms towards the uphill of the bank. Nearly
reclining on my left side with legs still angled down into the mud, I
clawed at the earth on the bank for stability. Slowly, bit by bit,
fueled by a surge of adrenaline, I eventually had the strength to
pull enough of my lower torso out to begin to crawl, as small rocks
tumbled into the mud from the bank. With a with a major effort, my
legs, then my feet were free.
I rolled over on my
bottom, jumped up, stomped my feet to shake off some of the thick mud
built up on my running shoes. I squealed, “Yee, ha!”, and took
off down the hill, considering my good luck escaping the death grip
of the invisible landslide.
To say I ran faster than
usual is an understatement. As I was flying down the hill, I saw
another runner making his way uphill towards me. He glanced at my
lower half, which was covered in dark mud from my waist to my gloppy
shoes, and he said, “Oh, you fell!” I nervously barked out
“Yeah.”, and kept running without slowing.
My running shoes stood
outside my apartment door for a week like sentinels guarding my
psyche. As the case with most apartment dwellers, I didn't have access to a
hose, and I wasn't keen on the idea of taking my mud-encrusted
running shoes into my bathtub to shower them and risk plugging the
drain. Every time I left my apartment and returned, I would look at
my mud-caked shoes and relive parts of my close encounter.
Eventually, my thoughts included the memory of the runner coming up
the hill as daylight faded. I recalled there had been no barricade
with “ROAD CLOSED” sign to warn anyone taking the uphill approach
as he was. In the dark, the mudslide would have been invisible . He
wouldn't have known what was ahead of him nor seen it before he ran
into it. In my own acute stress
response of survival fight and flight,
having just self-rescued from a miserable suffocating death, possibly
eternally entombed with my bovine sisters, it hadn't occurred to me
to warn the uphill runner of the impending danger.
Over the years since my
harrowing escapade, from the perspective of my somewhat-more-mature
self, I've felt a sense of regret that it had not occurred to me to
tell the other runner about the mudslide. I also realized that I was
embarrassed to tell what happened to me---I had, in fact ignored the
sign and barricade that were put in place to protect people. Some
amount of my young know-it-all pride had given me the nudge to go
around the barrier, believing it was meant for everyone but me.
Hindsight can be a kick in the butt, albeit too late. I hope the
runner made it through his course without incident, and that no
missing person's report was filed by his family.